The Real Lesbians of ‘Succession’

I binged all four seasons of Succession this week because a cute girl said it was good and thankfully she was right! At this point, though, they better decide who’s gonna take over this company or I’m gonna form an LBO and Dick Morris this whole thing into the ground — whatever any of that means.

While I love Succession because it’s funny and smart and the acting is top-tier, there is a dearth of lesbians on the show, forcing us to once again pretend that certain characters are queer based on hair length.

The First Lesbian of the show is Shiv, who is the only daughter of Logan Roy, the mean old man (may he rest) whose ass they are in a perpetual state of kissing in order to one day get all his money — or get, like, an old racist news network that has sentimental value to them. The motivations don’t exactly make sense, but it’s clear they’re in an abusive parent cycle of reward and degradation that keeps them coming back for the one thing they’ll never, ever get: daddy’s approval. So mainly Shiv’s a dyke because her dad will never love her.

Also because she went from growing her hair out and never putting a single product in it, to a sharp, side-parted…