I’m Seated for ‘Love Lies Bleeding’

And the seat is soaking wet.

My nipples immediately harden at the site of a shaky neon sign that reads simply, “GYM.” Inside, Lou (Kristen Stewart) and her sweaty mullet are working out when some guys approach her, asking about her dad Lou Sr. (Ed Harris with a skullet and lots of guns). They hand her a business card with “FBI” on it. Lou’s barely listening, though, because a new hot dyke just joined her gym and that’s obviously more important.

The new hot dyke is an insanely buff Jackie (Katy O’Brian), a bodybuilder with soft barrel curls and striped sports bras.

“Where did you appear from?” Lou asks in awe.

“Oklahoma,” Jackie says.

We sees close-ups of Jackie’s muscles, glistening with oil as she flexes in a string bikini onstage at a high school auditorium.

“What were you doing with that big girl?” Stewart’s (jealous) roommate (and ex) Jackie asks accusatorially.

Cut to Lou and Jackie (the “big girl” in question) rubbing up on each other half-naked in a public bathroom. So that’s what she was doing, I guess.

Jackie starts shooting guns with Lou’s scary daddy. “We’ll just need to fight back,” she says (to Lou, we can assume) before doing parkour all over town. Her muscles grow bigger and bigger until she’s bursting through her clothes like the Hulk.

Lou threatens her scary daddy and he’s all “big mistake, big, HUGE,” and next thing we know Lou’s rolling a dead body into an area rug and wrestling Jackie in bed. In an interview at Sundance, Stewart said of O’Brian, “the coolest feeling is being thrown over her shoulder.” Sounds dreamy tbh.

There are lots of high-cut thongs and guns cocking and socks-on sex scenes. The trailer ends with a car on fire (I think???) and a woman’s voice saying “Don’t ever fall in love, okay?” Too late! Take me! Then Lou and Jackie run off into the night together in sparkly ’80s bikinis, beaming because (hopefully) all the men are dead.

In the last few moments, our leading lesbians are in a pickup truck with the dead body burrito in the bed. Jackie sleeps while Lou drives. Then Lou hears rustling in the back and sees the dead body move !!

Stewart described Lou and Jackie as “morally defunct and completely willing to justify any bad behavior because of love,” and if that isn’t gay then I don’t know what is.

This movie doesn’t come out for another month but I’m already seated — and the seat is soaking wet.