I’m Seated for ‘Love Lies Bleeding’

And the seat is soaking wet.

My nipples immediately harden at the site of a shaky neon sign that reads simply, “GYM.” Inside, Lou (Kristen Stewart) and her sweaty mullet are working out when some guys approach her, asking about her dad Lou Sr. (Ed Harris with a skullet and lots of guns). They hand her a business card with “FBI” on it. Lou’s barely listening, though, because a new hot dyke just joined her gym and that’s obviously more important.

The new hot dyke is an insanely buff Jackie (Katy O’Brian), a bodybuilder with soft barrel curls and striped sports bras.

“Where did you appear from?” Lou asks in awe.

“Oklahoma,” Jackie says.

We sees close-ups of Jackie’s muscles, glistening with oil as she flexes in a string bikini onstage at a high school auditorium.

“What were you doing with that big girl?” Stewart’s (jealous) roommate (and ex) Jackie asks accusatorially.

Cut to Lou and Jackie (the “big girl” in question) rubbing up on each other half-naked in a public bathroom. So that’s what she was doing, I guess.

Jackie starts shooting guns with Lou’s scary daddy. “We’ll just need to fight back,” she says (to Lou, we can assume) before doing parkour all over town. Her muscles grow bigger…