Dianne Feinstein Replaced By (Gay) Laphonza Butler

We (dykes) are slowly infiltrating the U.S. government. First, we take over speaker of the house, now we have one whole senator! Laphonza Butler is the third Black female senator in U.S. history and currently the only one serving in Congress. While these women will continue to be but cogs in a truly evil gerontocracy, it’s good to know that 90-year-old Feinstein (may she rest) is being replaced by one of the living!

No disrespect to Feinstein, who was an early advocate for the gay community. (She’s actually the one who found Harvey Milk’s body after his assassination and tried to save him by putting her fingers on the bullet wound — kind of a real one.) But I think we can all agree 90 is too old to be doing anything other than sitting at home yelling at your loved ones about the thermostat. It’s certainly not a good age to be making major decisions for the well-being of all American citizens.

Also, I don’t want to praise Feinstein. After trying to save Milk, she went on to fuck up a serial killer investigation, tell some kids to basically fuck off as they begged her to save our dying planet, and have an absolute blast at anti-human rights advocate Amy Coney Barrett’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings — hugging all up on Lindsey Graham after.

But before we find out all the ways in which Feinstein’s replacement is problematic, let’s just enjoy the fact that she’s gay! And doesn’t seem entirely evil! (So far.) Fourty-four-year-old Butler is a Democratic strategist, president of EMILYs List, where she helps elect Democratic pro-choice women to office, and former advisor to vice president Kamala Harris’ 2020 presidential campaign.

California Governor Gavin Newsom, who appointed Butler following Feinstein’s death, said she “represents the best of California [dykes],” adding that she’d “carry the baton left by [straight, boring] Senator Feinstein, continue to break glass ceilings [and ignore the pleas of children inheriting a dying world], and fight for all Californians [but mostly the dykes] in Washington D.C.”

Really can’t wait to see how literally nothing changes or, more likely, gets much worse! At least Butler looks hot in a suit.