‘Babygirl’ Is Soooo Hot If You’ve Never Had Sex

“Babygirl?” the guy working the concession stand asks while I wait for my chicken fingers. I nod. “It’s started.” I nervously sip my Diet Coke. For some reason I feel like I’m in trouble. He goes to the back and comes out with my still-slightly-frozen chicken fingers.

“So far Nicole Kidman’s faked an orgasm with Antonio Banderas and masturbated to porn.”

“Oh, wow,” I say. “Already missed a lot.”

Worried I won’t get to see a single frame of Nicole Kidman fucking herself, I run to the theater, where I got two seats in the back so my date could finger me if the movie got boring (it did, she did).

We walk in as soon as Kidman’s character, Romy, cums, releasing a guttural groan, her face lit softly by the blue glow of her computer screen. Well, at least we saw a frame — and the best frame at that.

CEO of an ambiguous robot-making tech company, Romy is a squirrelly woman who fidgets a lot and can’t function without someone telling her what to do. She’s almost always reading from a script. Her hair (or the crispy wig that plays her hair in the film) is perfectly tousled, like she’s constantly in a state of having just had unsatisfying sex with her husband.

Like most rich, successful, perfect-looking women, Romy is miserable. Her husband, the sweet but slightly vacuous Jacob, seems to be completely oblivious to this fact. The only one who picks up on just how sad Romy is is her gay daughter (no surprise there).

We later learn Romy’s never had an orgasm with her husband in their 19 years together. Sex aside, Romy doesn’t seem particularly excited by any aspect of her life.

“Finish your breakfast,” she mumbles angrily at no child in particular. She’s a caricature of an ambitious, orgasm-starved woman. Wake up, fake an O, jerk off, make sure the kids finish their toast.

Outside of her office, Romy — dressed like a schoolmarm from a Hitchcock film and possessing the same jumpy, doe-eyed, traumatized chihuahua energy as Ariana Grande during the Wicked press tour — is almost mauled by a dog. A young, averagely hot white man diverts the dog with a cookie. Romy is in awe — and her envy of the dog is palpable.